The ultimate guide to become a web super star

Looking to increase your web site traffic? Want women fawning over you because you are the hottest thing ever to hit the web? Want more money than you know what to do with? You're not alone.

I have discovered unbelievable new ways to get riches and fame through your web site. I am not kidding folks; I, and I alone have found the ultimate secret in getting tons of people into your site, and you becoming the most popular person on the web! Just imagine the tons of dollars that will pour in as the traffic of your site goes through the roof! Now I know what you are thinking: “Hey Jakkar! Tell me, how can I get such traffic into my site, and become as popular and well liked as you?” Well, you are in luck folks! For a limited time only I will share my secrets with you.

Blackmail. Yes, the time honored process of hunting down people and catching them doing things that they really shouldn’t have done, then forcing them to do your bidding if they want their dirty little secret to remain a secret. force them to either constantly visit your site, or just fork over the bucks. Either way, it's a "win-win" situation. They get to keep their secrets, and you get what you deserve. (which is usually 5-20 if caught)

Extortion. Remember the good old days of having the crap kicked out of you for your lunch money? Well now you can use that as a lesson on how to build up traffic and revenue. Just grab a few "friends" and have a friendly one-on-one "chat" with some people on how going to your site, and using your services would be beneficial to their health.

Lie. That’s right. Lie through your teeth about how many people come to your site every day, and how much money they spend while they are at your site. Oh, don’t act like you’ve never lied before. It was fine when you were pretending to be that 18 blond co-ed in the chat room last week, so this shouldn’t be any different.

Money. And huge gobs of it too. The more money that you can throw into advertising and site development, the better. Actually, hire a world-renown web development company to build your site and maintain it. But the pitfall to this secret is that if you already have the money, F*** the fame, you can buy fame. And you probably do not need this tutorial either. However, if you think that you still need my advice and you have over $1 million, please send $100,000 to admin@jakkar.com for more "personal advice". -Thank you.

Hack it. Create a super-smart program that will perform the following tasks: generate 1,000,000 hits per day on your site, along with swapping out $.01 from every bank account in the United States into your personal account, and automatically clean up any trace of you ever being there. And while you are at it, generate a program that can predict the winning Powerball numbers, and email it to admin@jakkar.com. Thank you.

Mysticism. Using your vast mental powers (like me) call upon the neither realms to summon creatures who will help create a super web site and brain wash people into thinking your site is the best thing around. Note: if you have to sell your soul in the process, please read the fine print of the contract. There maybe a refund clause in there.

Steal. Nothing like the time honored tradition of finding something that you want, and just grabbing it. Now remember, since it is a web site, there is no real items that you are stealing. But who cares!? It's the concept that really matters. Of course, you may end up spending too much time trying to convince the person that you have indeed stolen their intangible item, and they can have it back. Ironically, you can get 2-5 for taking something that is intangible.